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hey guys , ive moved to frindster through some mates of mine and so i'm blogging on there. If you fancy havina gander at what im up to the URL is:
http://mrbonello.blogs.friendster.com/my_blog/
lots of love xxxxxxx |
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In Twelve days I will be in San francisco.
In Sixteen days I will be in Salt Lake City.
One day Later I will be commencing a one month long buddhist retreat.
After that I have just under two months in America to explore further and go on adventures.
Very exciting indeed.
Just thought I'd let you guys know.
xxCurrent Mood: Fruity Current Music: Every day Every night by Tosca |
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Well,
@ the forest at the moment, enjoying a break.
The biggest issue for me at present is finace or rather the lack of it. I have little to no money and currently have no idea how i'm gonna pay my rent. But as always life will prevail in its inevitable ways and, why not let the universe have its funny ways, I say.
I have been living with rob and harry in our new flat, its a bit of a number living with rob at times , trying to fall out of love with him whilst preserving my brotherly love towards him, (bloody hard work). The flat is great!!!!
Today i have a bit of a hangover, had a great time last night. I told a woman i fancied her for the second time ever, She was well cool about it. Brings me to wonder how Natalie is doing these days. She was teh first woman to whom I admitted an attraction and affection.
Life is a seriously kaliedoscopically indiscrete event...
Love you and miss you guys.
xxxxxxxxxxx JON.Current Mood:  horny Current Music: something random |
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Last night I was on the phone to my flatmate. He's been through a really tough
time recently with his boyfriend dumping him.
From what I could gather, he is uncomfortable with Rob & my arrangment & It's
bringing up a shitload of stuff for him.
I felt quite shaken by what he told me & had to spend a reasonable amount of
time doing some breathing exersizes in order to re-address an emotional
balance.
I'm just lying in bed at the mo as I've discoved how to access LJ from my
mobile. I'm gonna get up & have a coffee.
x to all. |
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Well it has been a while since I have been on here and am glad to have been reminded of it by heidibaby last night as it is a good place to put down some of my thoughts.
As some may know who read this Robert came to town and we had a great time togaether. We made love for the first time ever in our relationship and it has given both of us a greater sense of depth in our relationship.
It is hard to go into the finer details of the psychological going ons between us and the implications of our particular world views, however in a nutshell we are both interested in seeing women as well as seeing each other and it takes a great deal of trust for this to work.
I am confident that all is possible with an honest and open heart.
Over the last few days the issue of my bisexuality has been on my mind a lot partiularly with regards to the fact that I have disowned it out of confusion in how to be with it in a largley monosexual world.
Last night I took a step toward owning it by coming out to the corridor, and it was a rather dramatic scene at one point as i wasnt taking any shit from anyone, i was out to assert my experience of my sexuality and i wasnt going to stand for anybody thinking they know any better about what i feel.
I am prfectly wonderful the way I am and its about time i accepted that fully.
Thanks to those of you who have been supportive, i truly appreciate it.
xxxxCurrent Mood: loved Current Music: Naima's love song/ Betty Carter |
| » not so good head space... |
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Ive spent most of the day in a frozen inner landscape of solitude...
I feel quite lonely and miss my friends in edinburgh very much, I keep thinking about Rob and the chat we had about our relationship. I wish things hadnt develpoed again with him, I just want to forget about being in love with him.
I want to be able to focus on my relationship with Stuart, he seems a really nice guy and we get on so well, I hate to think that my feelings for Rob would get into the way of a healthy relationship with Stu.
AAAAAaaaaaarrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCK!!
Feb. 12th, 2005 @ 07:58 pm
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| » when valentine rains it pours... |
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I have finished composing my valentines cards...
I have decided to send cards to guys numbers 2-4 that being Joe, Robert and Stewart. Colin doesnt equate into seeing as i feel stalked by him largely, I've made my mind up to let go of that old chestnut.
My love life feels like a rollacoaser ride and I don't know where to turn at the mo. The two friends whom i would usually turn to are at the moment in the throws of romantic havoc having both been dumped in the space of a week. So I'm largely being there for them. Valentines can seem like a really cruel time of year, this is in fact the first valentine's that has come up in which I actually have any lovers to celebrate it with, and it feels pretty strange.
On top of this it hasnt help that despite thingshaving settled down at university, I have come out the other end minus two good mates. There is nothing I can think of saying or doing that would win these friends trust back so I've decided there is nothing to do but wait it out.
Last night I got stoned and I had a memory of a time past when I was taught by an old witch about respecting all of the earths gifts by sharing them back with the earth. So I had half my weed left and i crumbled it and sprinkled it over the back garden offering its life energy to that patch of land, it felt really good and I feel blessed to have had the momentary inspiration of the herb and then to have let go.
life is a strange set of circumstances indeed.
xxx
Feb. 10th, 2005 @ 01:16 pm
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| » trodden paths have shown a way... |
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I just got off the phone to Ky, it was great catching up with her, she is such a beacon of light in my life. Tonight feels like things might just start settling down. I can get on with the rest of my life and put the alarm away.
I feel like it is important for me to remember to be thankful. life is truly great.
Feb. 7th, 2005 @ 09:45 pm
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| » Hignsighted postreflective fool... |
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I'm shocked to discover what a dog's dinner I can make out of a situation. I tend to think I got it all arse upwards. I'm as much of a fool as I am anything, and this causes me no end of embarasment.
At the moment I need space to contemplate my intentions and understandings. I have and am learning a lot from the current environment and timeline.
I am sorry to discover how inconsiderate i have been at times. I expect a lot better of myself. I can't afford to lose hope that I can learn to be of more positive consequence in the world.
Peace starts within...
Feb. 7th, 2005 @ 04:57 pm
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| » and moving on... |
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Today I had a chat with a few of my oldest friends in this country over the phone. We were all buddhist monks together until five years ago. We have kept a very live connection with each other due to the fact that we witnessed a lot of each others personal dramas and stories unfold, the good times and the bad.
At one point I felt comfortable enough to cry, something I have had great difficulty with since childhood. I am truly blessed and tonight I am thankful for such a rich and rewarding life.
hugs and kisses to absolutley all
good nite...
Feb. 6th, 2005 @ 12:51 am
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| » awake amidst my dreams both dark and light |
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Another day...
I had a very restful night, I feel like I need to take stock of my emotional attachments and be kinder to myself. I am unhappy with the recent events that have transpired here on campus, but it has also served to show me who actually really had some faith in me and so it is not all bad.
Today I hope to do something exciting and joyful, I don't want to ruminate over spilt milk. I will work with my anger as well seeing as it has arisen. Many teachers have said to me that anger is as healing as it can be damaging, but only if one approaches it with compassion and wisdom.
I must not forget the path, for to stray is to be lost anew.
Feb. 5th, 2005 @ 02:02 pm
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| » Life deals it's blows, to what end, no one knows... |
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I finally feel like I can write something in here...
to start at the beginning, i will go to the LGB night, It was a hoot, the peopel there were really lovely and I was a fool to feel so intimidated by the prospect of meeting them. I had a good time and maybe too many glasses of wine. Later on when it was getting late I escaped to see my friends from the third year whom i hadnt seen in a while. It was good to catch up with them, they are very sweet.
They went off in the direction of the kitchen and so i went to my room to relax, I called James whom I had left at the LGB party to make my apologies for slipping out without saying goodbye and he invited me to Jay's room for a chat. On the way there I met Stu (the guy i work for) he was wonderin where every had got to so i suggested he come see James and Jay with me.
We went there, and being slightly inebriated and tired I lay on Jay's bed. James lay next to me which made me a bit uneasy as i felt it caused some tension in Jay. Anyways to cut a very long story short, I made a flippant comment to James about having a chat about him earlier in the day about some changes i had seen in him. He pressed me for more so I decided to be honest and I told him that i thought that he had changed for the worse.
He started weeping instantly and i was really taken aback and felt that i needed to give him the space in which to shed these tears. In my work in the self development workshops i have come to appreciate such moments as very special and i didnt want to interrupt the flow of his expression with any cerebral stimulus.
BUT, there was a terrible mistake, I wasnt in the position to help anything because i was under the influence. I was drunk. This clouded my judgemnt in so many ways like the shape of the comment itself, which in sobriety would have gone to the tune of " I am concerned that some of your behaviour has seemed negative lately " rather than the neanderthal " youve changed for the worse " which is depressingly vulgar and primitive in its attempts to express the first sentiment. My emotions were not in check either, I reacted with a sort of defensiveness to Jays agitated concern over why James was crying, feeling perhaps inapropriatly that Jay was thinking that I was trying to hurt James. Nothing could be further from the truth. My defensiveness put Jay's back up which in turn served to frighten me even more at which point I just wanted to escape what seemed like a mad scene.
I fled...
The result has been harrowing, Jay wrote the most negative and angry report about this night which depicts me as a malicious and cruel abuser of trust. There are responses coming in from friends and family of James whom I've never met voicing their anger and disgust at me. I feel terribly cut up.
I miss James already, I have no idea why he beleives me capable of such injustice. As for Jay, well I'm glad that his attack was on me and not someone who wouldnt be able to survive the social vilification that I have endured today.
I normally like to voice my feelings in the open and am not accostomed to this medium of communication, but the blanket alarm raised about my character by Jay has earned me many a cold shoulder and so i have no choice.
Feb. 4th, 2005 @ 10:17 pm
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| » Too much Gay for me!! |
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I'm about to go to the LGB chese and wine gathering tonight, and I feel quite nervous about it as I don't really know what to expect.The pessimist in me expects there to be a gaggle of raving queens with whom I will have next to nothing in common.
I guess I'm just going to have to wait and see, and if they are a bunch of pussys whom I can't stand then I will simply have to grin and bear it.
Feb. 3rd, 2005 @ 06:41 pm
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| » Rampant Rabbit!!! |
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This morning I went out to town with Adam. It was a peaceful affair, then of course I took him into Ann Summers to play with the Rampant Rabbit, Oh what fun!!!
Feb. 3rd, 2005 @ 02:55 pm
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| » A little about myself... |
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Born in Belfast and reared in Malta, and now thirthy years of age. I am currently living mainly in York university where i work as a personal assistant to a spinal disabled student studying for a masters in computer science.
Here I have most recently made friends with some of the new batch of freshers, namely James and Adam. Through them the list is growing. There is an awful lot of social adventure going on here as I guess is to be expected from a university campus. Particularly in my case as a man of thirty it is quite interesting to be thrown in with such a motley crew, and learn how to get on with them without being an overbearing patronising twat.
Here I will attempt to tell some of the story from my point of view...
Feb. 3rd, 2005 @ 02:30 pm
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| » Just joined. |
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Hey Y'all thought I'd take the time out of my rather heavy schedule to invest some of my tale into thie cyber arena...
Watch this space!
J xxx
Feb. 3rd, 2005 @ 01:02 pm
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